Friday, January 13, 2012

Felix the Soon

Last night I dreamed I met Felix. Felix was the name we had for the baby, had it been a boy (which we found out it would have been, rather than a girl, some weeks after the miscarriage, but that's another story). The dream woke me up, and I came out and stood in the hall. Sam was still awake, and he held me, pressed my head against his chest very gently, and I said, "I met Felix." And he said, "Felix the former?" And I said, "No, I think Felix the soon."

I dreamed we were in the hospital and it was clear I was ready to have a baby. And that dream delivery was a total a breeze, as they are free to be. One moment I was sitting up in bed and I mentioned to Sam we should maybe find the doctor and the next moment I was holding this baby. And oh, this baby. He had so much hair and he looked like a young Sam and he had these incredible eyes. They reminded me of my dad's eyes in baby pictures and my nephews' eyes but also Sam's eyes. And I held this baby and told him he was a very good kitty, which is just what I would tell Felix. And it was so normal to have him, not even really astonishing and holy like it is in some of those stories I collected--he was so naturally already a part of us, a part of our lives, our friend. And I could tell he was very very smart and I could also tell he was going to be troublesome when he got a little older, and I already fiercely fiercely loved him for that.  

I'm not pregnant, and I'm okay with that. I've needed these months. I may need more months; I don't know. I've felt very sure we needed some time and that it would be clear enough when to try again. But today as I got ready for work, as I made Sam oat bran cereal and put on my blue sweater, as I've sat at my desk and tried to think about work-stuff and written emails, I've missed that baby. I wish that baby were already here, or waiting a few more months for his debut. I wish we hadn't lost him. 

But in my dream his arrival was so easy, so smooth, so natural and simple, that I'm holding a little bud of hope that soon is what it will be. That he'll come when he knows it's time. That it will all fall into place very beautifully. That a new start at this family-making business will lead to a better ending. That we'll soon hold a familiar someone with lovely eyes.