I'm Going to Be Delicate Here.

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It's clear as of today that it's not me that's sucking at this job, it's the job that's sucking. I mean, it's a bad situation. Talked to an dear mentor from days past who knows what these jobs should be like and he said, wow, that's not good.

So what does one do when they find out their "dream job" is not so dreamy? What now?

Here are jobs I think I'd like, not that I trust myself to pick anymore:

*studying elephant family dynamics in Africa
*studying the connections between bird songs and whale songs
*writing for radiolab, thisamericanlife, or speakingoffaith
*writing documentaries about cool smart people who are dead
*designing energy-efficient and lovely and low-cost housing for poor folks
*chef
*librarian for a big pretty library
*forest ranger
*photographer
*bookmaker
*studier of brains
*person who makes up names for ice cream flavors
*cat
*yes, cat, like the animal. their job is to take naps and be cute. i want that job.

(i swear the little meatsock posed for this picture. i took it just now with my computer's webcam. sorry for blur.)



See, trouble is, I'd have to, like, be a baby again to do one of these things with my life. Start over. Be reincarnated.

Is reincarnation necessary for career change? Or maybe I just need this job at a different place?

Sigh.

I've been crying on and off all day. And now I'm tired.

Comments

Dr. Roger Barnick, Vancouver Chiroprator said…
The first year is always TORTURE at any new job. Don't forget that. I think I felt alot like you the year I spent at HHS. I cried a lot too. Things were not how they should be. By the end of the year, I was really willing to give it another try. I felt a lot of acomplishment. You are where you are supposed to be. You will make it.
January 22, 2009 at 9:48 PM
eden said…
oh dej, i'm so sorry!

but to answer your question - NO - you don't need to be reincarnated to start over. i've heard of people changing careers in their 50s finally realizing what it is they want to do. so you're 30 years ahead of the game!

i'm really sorry it's not as wonderful as it should be.
January 22, 2009 at 10:24 PM
Amara said…
Wow. I thought this was you and your identity. Maybe it still is. Don't give up hope. But I have to say, I started out wanting to be a model, then a marine biologist, then teach genetics, etc. at the university level, then cater and own a bistro, then be a kickboxing instructor, all while balancing being a mom. It's kind of neat that life is long (usually) and you get the chance (if you want it)to continually reinvent yourself. Limits are for weenies.
January 22, 2009 at 10:56 PM
kathy w. said…
You. Are. Wonderful.

And I'm sure you'll find where you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to be doing—whether it's to high-tail it out of there or to just stay put for a little while. Learning experiences have a way of revealing themselves slowly.

The word verification for this comment is 'ousta.' You know, like, "I only knew like three words in Polish, except now I know four because Oscar taught me the word for lip: Ousta!" —compliments of Larry the Cucumber.

(I'm sure Larry has no idea what he wants to be when he grows up, but he seems quite happy.)
January 22, 2009 at 11:28 PM
Kira said…
Dad changed carreers at 50, Mom did just last year at....well a bit older then that. Lee went to school for TEN years to get his bachelors and now works in a different field. Whatever, find what makes you happy and do it. My suggestion is have yourself a little baby then you can snuggle up with them and take a nap everyday like me :)
P.S. This is me solliciting cousins for my new little one :)
January 23, 2009 at 7:45 AM
belann said…
It may turn out to be an all right job. Sometimes you just have to endure. Sometimes you just have to outlast the mean people. Nothing ever stays the same. Just keep asking for help and direction.
January 23, 2009 at 10:16 AM
Mike and Emily said…
Could be start a "cat-incarnation" business together? If I could add Boston cannolis to naps, I would be a happy being. I'm sorry things are tough. But you've done tough before. Kick its bum.
January 23, 2009 at 12:33 PM
Liz said…
Deja! I'm definitely not at my dream job or anything, but I know how much it sucks to go to a job that disappoints you and makes you wonder what you're doing with your life day in and day out. But I'm really starting to believe all the old cliches - it's never too late to change, even your career. Or maybe even just your attitude (I really suck at that one, I am a total brat) or expectations. Or your focus? My favorite new quote is "Regret makes you old, and bitterness poisons the people around you." Also, I'm always going back and reading David Foster Wallace's Kenyon commencement address - "this is water." Um, anyways, I don't mean to be all pithy, but it's something that helps me. Love ya! You're brilliant.
Liz
January 24, 2009 at 6:17 PM
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