Sunday, January 31, 2010

Back in the Public

Hello, friends. I've unprivatized, which I think will help me feel more like posting. I've been, as you've seen, relatively postless lately. Don't know what the deal is. I haven't really been commenting on ya'll's blogs either, but I'm working on that. Since it's been hovering around 6 degrees (!) lately in Boston, I've been eating my lunch at my desk and bopping around the Internet for an hour. It's pleasant, but I really can't wait until I can bring my lunch over to the Public Garden and watch the swan boats.

Yes, I am already dreaming of spring, longing for it with all my heart, remembering what it feels like to have a sunny, lovely day. I can just barely recall. I can recall just enough to miss it viscerally.

Anyway, pneumonia's mostly left me, although a cough lingers, and this afternoon, when I meant to just read for a moment, a nap took me its clutches and I slept for two hours. Whoops. I'm exhausted still, is what I'm saying.

But other than that, things are good. Sam sold a story for 400 bucks to The Threepenny Review, so that was a highlight of the week. And I'm still just completely smitten with this job. Head over heels for it. Loving it. I'm sure the honeymoon phase will end at some point, but for now, wow. I didn't know I could enjoy work so much. I even like the schedule, as it forces me to make routines and stick to them--something I always struggled with when teaching.

I've even begun to think that what happened to me last semester--all of that ugliness--could have been the best scenario, divine intervention. I would have never thought of trying for a job like this, but it feels like what I've always wanted to do.

And so I keep thinking about faith, how I wish I had more of it, and wondering if I had had more of it, if I would have freaked out less then. I mean, I knew sort of intellectually that God would take care of me, because He's good at it and always has, but I didn't really BELIEVE He could make it better, make me look back on all that horribleness and be grateful for it. How does He do that? And, more importantly, why can't I remember He will? Sigh. I continue to work on it. I long for a faith that I can climb into a like a sailboat.

7 comments:

Tia and Amara said...

I'm the first! I think we always trust him, but he makes it turn out so much better than we can imagine. We aren't capable of figuring out what he's usually got in store, so it's hard to wrap our mind around the scope of the care he gives? Balh blah blah --can you tell what I'm TRYING to say?

Genevieve Beck said...

I'm so glad you're back in the public eye and thrilled that the job is still wonderful. I think most of us have to learn to trust God again and again and again before we finally get it. :) I can't wait until I do and am not a worrier anymore.

Giuli said...

Isn't it amazing how you don't realize the full extent of how miserable your former job was until you have an infinitely better one!!!!! For the past two years, I've been running uphill in a fog, and now the sun is shining and I can see the beautiful scenery. And . . . my smiles are actually real, and not for the benifit of "the public". Love you Deja!

Meeshab said...

I love you too! you downtown shoe-shopper you!

k. double-u. said...

It's nice to see you out in the open again. And congrats to Sam for his story.

As soon as you find a faith sailboat, let me know——I want a ride in it.

belann said...

The mom says congrats to our nice son-in-law Sam, and how happy we are that you are happy at work. I know you didn't think it possible.

Launie said...

Congrats on finding a great job! I am really wishing for spring too. Glad you are feeling back to normal. And congrats to Sam on getting published, that's fab!