Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Ode to Routine, Part 2 (Keeping It Real)

I wrote that post last night, after a sweet day when it all worked, you know? And then, of course, I couldn't sleep until after midnight, even though she had gone to bed obligingly around eight. She generally sleeps well, but last night was a doozy--up at 1:30, then 2:00, then half a dozen times between 2:30 and 4, at which point I brought her to bed with me, hoping to just survive the night.

Sam took her in the morning so I could sleep in, but there was no such routine today. When Sam left for a meeting on campus, I put her in her swing and curled up under quilts on the couch, but no sleep came. And all day I dragged. It snowed hard, and we went out for Pho, and when we came back I tried to rally myself by going on our afternoon walk, but it literally felt like I was dragging my own body behind me, and I turned back home early.

At which point the despair set in: my house is messy and how will I ever make dinner and she's never going to sleep again and I feel lousy and so on. You know this story, too? So we adjusted, and ate leftovers, and I just set her down to bed, and plan to follow her. Maybe we'll have a night like last night, but I hope to have more sleep under my belt before it begins in earnest.

Really I just wanted to say, before signing off, that I figured out when she was three weeks old that this is the hardest job I've ever had, and routine or no, that's still true. Though there are sweet bits, even on days where the magic ingredient of sleep is absent, though I loved seeing her face peek out from her cozy blankets to watch the snow on our walk, and though I liked reading her Goodnight Moon by the light of her nightlight, not every day is as worthy of the exuberance I expressed yesterday. Lest you think I'm some freak of motherhood nature, it seemed I ought to say so before I close my eyes and hope for a better night.

Here I go.

12 comments:

Amara said...

OK the lack of sleep will make you feel C-R-A-Z-Y! take it from someone who gets those regularly even without a newborn. I don't know how other people do it: the people who work nights, or teach my spin classes and don't get a nap later? Who are those people?! Are they human? Anyway, been there --you are so normal.

belann said...

Certainly know the lack of sleep blues. Nothing looks very rosy when you haven't slept. But, tomorrow is another day...and night.

faith said...

I think the wonderful glory of life is that it is real. It is ALL real. That wonderful day you had was part of the reality. And is that not fabulous? And then we try to be flexible and realize that the lack of sleep is also part of our reality as is the mess, the crying, the lack of dinner plans, etc. But then the good comes back and we can enjoy that so much more because we know it won't last. And yet, the reality of life continues to get better and better.
What a wonderful stage for you to be in. I am so glad you are enjoying your beautiful little one.

ginger said...

Oh those babies. I wonder if she didn't read your last post and decide to make sure you know she's the boss. They're trixy these sweet little babies.

Soak her up though, having a first baby around is such a treat. The opportunity to choose to spend days doing nothing but savouring every smile, noise and movement doesn't come around again. When you look into your second babies eyes and get ready to coo back at him, you'll hear your sweet toddler Henrietta emptying a gallon of milk onto the floor.

Deja said...

Naps haven't been working out for me, which makes it all the tougher. Sigh. It is hard without naps.

Deja said...

What a beautiful thing to say, Faith. And so true. Thank you.

Deja said...

That made me laugh out loud. Thanks, Ginny.

Erin Earley said...

Deja you make motherhood beautiful and lovely, even on the "dragging your own body behind you" days. I love that!

Erin Earley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jan said...

Deja, I love reading your reflections on motherhood.

When we had a house full of darling children, Steve would say, "Our children are our eternal joy and our daily undoing." I have said that many times since he first uttered those words.
Motherhood continues to be, even with all of my children grown, the greatest adventure earth life has to offer. The greatest joy, a glimpse of heaven, is what I see and feel with regards to my children.

Jan said...

Deja, I love reading your reflections on motherhood.

When we had a house full of darling children, Steve would say, "Our children are our eternal joy and our daily undoing." I have said that many times since he first uttered those words.
Motherhood continues to be, even with all of my children grown, the greatest adventure earth life has to offer. The greatest joy, a glimpse of heaven, is what I see and feel with regards to my children.

Deja said...

Jan, I absolutely love that. Your Steve is wise. And I hope to have motherhood look have as good on me as it does on you. Thanks for reading.