Bleh Blah Blek Blluuum Bllllleeehhhhh

What am I supposed to be doing right now? Deciding what to say to my 2:30 class, that's what. But I can't. I won't. I ... can't. Today is a no-good teaching day. Tried to teach Whitman this morning and had nothing to say. I mean, what is there to say? He's my dead boyfriend. I love him. His words are shiny objects that feed my soul. And you want me to like, say something about that? Why? Why can't we all just read and smile and giggle and swoon and bask in the loveliness of it?

Sometimes, school, as a thing, seems so lame.

I stood like a moron at the front of the room, flipping throught the pages, begging God to supply me with some brilliant question to ask that would fuel discussion for another 45 minutes. The heavens were closed. Nothing arrived in my head. It was awful. AW-FUL.

It triggered all sorts of who-am-i, what-am-i-doing-here, how-did-i-get-this-job, i-sucksucksuck feelings. I'm brimful of self-loathing.

But tonight, Sam and I are going to the circus. Barnum and Bailey, even. And there, when the big kitties are jumping through hoops and the elephants are swinging their trunks, and the clowns are falling down, it won't matter if I can ask a discussion-inspiring question, will it? Will it?


kathy said…
Aack! I hate those days! I'm so sorry. I'm sure your students were so wrapped up in all the things they think they suck at that they didn't even notice your crisis. You're a good teacher--even if school is sometimes lame.
Amara said…
I HATE those days. Today is one of those days for me too. Screwed up a bid. The lady was just silent waiting for me to dig my hole deeper, and deeper... You don't suck. We're not perfect and that's...... OK. Right? Right?
eden said…
sorry dej. no fun. no fun at all. but have so much fun at the circus and better luck tomorrow!

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