Friday, March 27, 2009

I Made My Background Be Quieter

It was too loud.

Everything's been too loud.

But today I'm sitting in my office and I don't think anyone knows I'm here because I've just been at my computer, reading a new blog that I'm obsessed with. And I won't tell you what it is because I'm stalking and I want to stalk quietly. Shhhh.

I want everything to be quieter. I don't want to cry in Sam's arms again, like I did last night. I mean, some day I will again, I'm sure. But it's such a bummer for him to have a sad, slumpy wife.

I hate sad, slumpy wives. Me, I mean. That me.

I thought I was this person, this poet, this happy person who sang songs to her cats and danced around her house in the mornings and had oodles of wonderful people in her life and liked to run and learn stuff and eat pretty food.

So I keep feeling like she's coming back. The other day I walked up the stairs to my office and I actually felt good and happy and energetic and useful to my students and it made me realize how much I DIDN'T feel that way when I got here--how loud and dark and heavy everything was, how hard. I don't think people who are depressed think they're really depressed. I don't, didn't; never believed it. But now, looking back on it, damn. That wasn't normal. That wasn't me.

Which is why even the littlest hint of panic/sadness can send me into a real dither these days--because I'm afraid of spinning down and into it again. And I like it here, up here where it's sunny and quieter.

I'm realizing I live in Boston. Boston, for crying out loud. And there's stuff here to see and think and do. I want to make a friend and go out to lunch with said friend. And maybe we'll buy a book or something pretty and she'll say something about husbands or God or Nebraska, and I'll say something back, and it will make both of us laugh very hard. Friends that I already have, won't you come visit?

In June, in Paris, I'm going here, the ballet:



Everything's fine.

7 comments:

Mike and Emily said...

I would very much like to come visit you in that land...I'm wishing for the same thing in this land too. Is it not weird that the word verification on this comment is "demon"? That's weird, right?

eden said...

dej, i've actually been thinking about planning a visit to see you. i would love to see boston. and you. in reverse order, actually. let's plan that, yes? before i start grad school maybe? my last pre-grad school hurrah? i like the sound of that.

... if it's okay with you.
... and sam.

we'll talk. ( :

Amanda Lynn, to be exact said...

My dear, I love you. I know I'm already number three on the list...but if it's any consolation I have been thinking for the last few months that it's a short train ride to Boston and how I should float the idea of a visit to you. Now I'm wondering why I didn't do it months ago! Think of the Books we could have been buying! The Cannoli's we could have been eating! And all the...the OTHER things we could have been eating! Let's make it happen. Have I mentioned I really love the way you describe yourself? Even when you're sad. You're grasp of verbal self-portraiture is a lovely thing.

eden said...

oh, AND, i like the black background. i initially wanted mine to be black with hot pink and green letters (like an afghan i crocheted a while ago... took forever... and now never use).

...oh, AND... i'm not sure how i feel about the comment left that i had a frizzy face... hmm... still thinking... (:

Amara said...

I like the plain background MUCH better. I want to come too. I heard yesterday tickets to D.C. were only 250.00. Is that true? Can't be too much more to see you....I always feel so poor when it comes to travel.

David and Melanie said...

I would love to visit you. All my years on the east and I've never made it to Boston. And I return the invitation to you. If you'd like a summer getaway to the beach I'd love to see you my way in Jersey!

Dane, Delyse, and Hazel Lynn said...

missing you too dear friend... missing having friends. but i have a hazel and a hubby so that's good. wishing i had a way to see you and your lovely loud boston... love to you.