Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Work Gives Me a Tummy Ache.

I admit it. I hate to admit it, because I'm so blessed to have it, and someday I think I will like it. But it's my first year, and I find it terrifying.

I mean, it's busy. Not only am I teaching three new classes to students I haven't figured out yet, I'm also supposed to oversee a student club, develop a reading series, sit on two committees, advise a bunch of students on registration, and find time to write/publish my own stuff. It's hard.

And every time I have to go to work, it ruins my day. I come home in the worst mood, feeling terrible about myself and the world. While I'm on campus, I always feel like I'm bumbling about, like I have no clue what I'm doing, like I'm doing it wrong, like a fraud. Ten hours of that, and I'm bound to feel low, right?

I'm whining, I know. But I just realized yesterday that it's true: I'm not enjoying this. I want my mommy. I want to sit at her Thanksgiving table with her moist moist turkey and Amara's exquisite pies and decorations. I don't want to buy my own turkey and cook it. Turkeys are yucky and raw and frozen and they have guts. Sort of like how I feel at school, without the guts part. I don't have those.

6 comments:

Amara said...

"and they have guts". hee hee. I never liked to stick my hand up there myself. Usually nowadays the guts all come in a paper bag though (a little bit of good news). You'll get there Deja. I'm sure you're doing better than you think, and the confidence will follow soon. Stick it out. Maybe I'll leave you a chair at my table though just in case. We'll miss you.

Heather said...

I love your blog! But, I feel sad that you feel frozen and raw. I hope Thanksgiving provides the R&R that you deserve.

Spencer G said...

Oh, Dej, I'm sorry things are hard, but I'm still jealous of what a real life you're leading.

belann said...

Soon you will be on top of it all. Anyone's first year of teaching is just an exercise in survival. Just don't forget how it felt, so you can help those who follow.

kathy said...

I'm sure you're handling it all much more gracefully than you actually feel.

And yes, my brother's a missionary in India. Let's just say that the attacks in Mumbai totally freaked me out.

Garret said...

When you feel so low, (although it may not seem possible with the hustle of the day) take a moment to reflect on what you have accomplished. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the mistakes you make as a new employee. You won't make them next year so don't worry about it. As products of our parents we often tend to be very hard on ourselves. With the crappy weather and the adjustment with the new job, I can imagine you are preoccupied with those things. Do not forget the good decision you made to pursue a PhD. or the fact that you are in an elite group that actually stuck it out and completed it. Also, take some time to step back and appreciate the fact that you married a good man. It's hard to appreciate the first year of marriage with all the ups and downs and the debt and the student loans. I wish I could tell you the debt thing gets better but that doesn't matter. Enjoy now because the alternative, as you are aware is miserable. You may be thinking that this is easy for me to say, but it's not. If I'm not mistaken there are 25 other managers in our hospital. Almost all have an MBA or an MPH and the average age seems to be over 50. I'm resented as the new guy who is 29 with no Grad school under my belt. I also have Hygienists that work for me that are 65 and 70....awkward. My point is that you are the best writer I know. You have the gift of speech. Don't let your anxiety interfere with that. Sorry this is so long winded, but it makes me sad to think that someone so talented (and fortunately for me, blood related) is having such a hard time and can't enjoy what she has worked so hard to achieve.

We love you,
Big brother G